How do you handle death?

[quote="Goldfish"]

Zara Sahana 007 wrote:

I definitely agree with you about not being close to family.

Well, my family is not freakishly close, but we are always there when someone needs us. The exception to this rule is my mom and I. My mom really is my best friend, sure, I still don't tell her everything, but I tell her most things. We talk on the phone almost every morning for at least an hour, sometimes 2 or more and I usually see her once a week.

My point of bringing this up was to say that you shouldn't be afraid to be close to people. Yes, people suck sometimes and you get hurt, but when you get close to someone and they don't hurt you, the reward is awesome.

Remember that great love and great acheivements involve great risk.~unknown~

A little off the main topic but I really wanted to share that with you.

I'm sorry to say I don't have any advice for you, because I don't deal with death- well, at all. I've had a few people close to me die, and two of my brother's best friends died when we were all in school together, but my emotions are all kinds of messed up because I have something called Sydenham's Chorea. Usually it makes all my emotions stronger or I get hit with emotions at random times (for example, be sobbing my eyes out when I was in a really good mood just a few seconds before, with no reason for the change), but panic and grief seem to be missing altogether.

For the first of his friends that died (of an antidepressant's reaction to the drugs he was taking), my brother and his friends got together a lot and made their own memorial for him in this patch of woods they used as a kind of clubhouse. My twin showed it to me years later. It's very simple, it's just a couple of old crates and tree trunks to sit on in a circle around a smiley-face rug with (excuse the language, but if you'd known the guy you'd understand it had to say this) "Fuck You" written on it. Having that place, somewhere that was secret that they could all go mourn in private, really helped them.

The second friend hung himself. I knew him better than the first kid and was really shocked to hear this. That time, his friends all went to his house to talk with his parents and mourn in his room.

I guess I do have some advice after all, kind of. Find somewhere quiet and private to mourn. People who make tasteless jokes will piss you off, but after a few days so will people who say "Time heals all wounds" and "He's in a better place now." (No offence, anyone, it's just been my experience that it gets annoying after a while).

This ended up being more about how my brothers deal with death... My little brother hated me for a while because he never saw me cry over anyone dying. Everyone deals with death differently, and I will do anything I can not to cry in front of people.

I really hope you feel better, and I also think talking to your friends would help. For that matter- listen to your friends, that helps too.

I'm sorry to hear about that. I know what it's like to lose someone very close to you. I experienced a lot. Hope you don't mind me rambling.

When I was 10, my grandfather died of cancer. Actually, just yesterday was his death anniversary. Of course, I couldn't fly to Zamboanga (that's like the family hometown ) because it was exam week and a ticket was bloody expensive. My mother, being daddy's little girl, flew there on Saturday and she'll come back later tonight. (She has 75% discount on airplane tickets because her brother works in the airport.)

So anyway, I remember that day clearly when he died. It was a school day (dismissal time); it was exam week. I was telling my brother how easy our periodical tests were. Then my housekeeper, who came to pick us up, ran towards us with a sad look in her face. She told us that my grandfather died at about 6:30 am and we had to quickly dress up for the funeral. I was in a state of shock; I didn't know how to respond. I just obediently changed into the clothes that my housekeeper brought. I was telling myself that it wasn't true, because the day before that, I visited him in the hospital and he looked fine. So basically, aside from my grandmother, mom and my housekeeper, I was the last grandchild to see him alive.

When we arrived at the funeral home, he was there. My grandmother wasted no time in arranging it for him to be cremated. A lot of familiar faces were there; some cousins, aunts, uncles, my parents...All of them were crying. Everyone was in mourning.

I didn't know what to think; I just couldn't believe it. Throughout the service, I didn't cry one bit. But when it was almost finished, that's when I broke down. We followed him into the crematory room and bid our last goodbyes. God, we were all so tear-stained. It was a really difficult time. My grandfather was really sweet and loving, he loved all his grandchildren. Even now, I still miss him badly.

A few weeks after his death, my mom started having dreams about him. I would always wake up to find her crying and calling out his name. Me and my dad would sometimes comfort her that time. During exam week, I vowed I would get an honor to make him proud. Who'dhavethought? I did get an honor.

Just recently, I've been having dreams about him. I dreamed of him smiling down at me, calling me 'Issa.' I told my parents about it and they told me that my grandfather was just asking for prayers. Ever since he died, nothing was the same anymore.

--

I was nine when my cousin died. He was with us when I vacationed in the States. He was such great fun, always smiling and very athletic. I was in the States for three months, but I didn't really get to know him well enough because I was hanging out with my other cousins that were closer to my age. (He was 20)

His death was very sudden because a month after I got back from my vacation, I woke up in my own home to hear my mom crying on the phone. I asked her what was wrong and she told me that my cousin died of pneumonia. Again, I was pretty shocked because...come on, I was only with him a month ago! It taught me how really sudden life could end.

--

I was 11 when the father of my best friend/cousin died. He suffered from a heart attack. I was worried for my cousin because it must be tough to lose a parent. She lives in Zamboanga and I live in Manila so I couldn't comfort her, and I daren't call her on the phone because I thought she had enough problems already.

Just last summer I vacationed in Zamboanga and I got to get together with my cousin. She has always been the cousin I am very close to, ever since we were still kids. She seemed quite happy, and I think she's finally okay. Along with her siblings and mom, I have heard them joking that their mom should get a new, rich boyfriend. I was glad that they're happy again.

--

When my brother was 14, his classmate and friend died of a bone marrow disease. My first thought was, "She's too young." Yes, dying at 14 is very sudden and just think of the many opportunities she missed. My brother was pretty shaken over her death. Almost everyone in his year was saddened by the news. The school held a special Mass for her. Even though I never knew her that well, she still held a place in my heart. She was in my Yahoo! Messenger and Multiply Contacts; we'd occasionally chat and send testimonials. Apparently, her last words were, "Mom, I'm sorry."



So there, I have had my fair share of people who are close to me that died. I think of them at times, and the thoughts are sometimes sad. But I always think, "They're in a better place now."

God, those idiots said, "Utah Chainsaw Massacre?" What a bunch of insensitive boors. I'd like to kick their asses all the way to Mars.

I do hope you feel better, Megan. You should talk to a counselor, your parents or your friends. They'll help you cope and you'll figure out how to comfort your friend.

Zara Sahana 007 wrote:

I definitely agree with you about not being close to family. I immigrated to the USA as a little baby with my parents in 1991. Because most of my family lived in India or Europe, I never really got to see most of them. With the exception of my great-aunt who lives in Boston, I'm not close to anybody excepting my parents and my brother. My parents have clearly expressed disappointment, but they can't blame me. They tried to get me to email my cousins, but we are so...well...different.

What I find particularily hilarious is that my second cousins who are females within 1 or 2 years of my age (there are easily 10 of them--my dad has like 30-odd first cousins and my mother has like 20-odd second cousins) is that they try to behave American, but they epically fail. Obviously, I never told them about the "epically fail" part. But, I mentioned how America isn't about girls wearing short short-skirts, tube tops, speaking in slang, and writing in text talk. In fact, most of them have questioned me about my ability to write in complete sentences with proper punctuation .

But I digress. What I meant to say is that death has been easier for me to overcome because I'm not close to that many people. However, if something were to happen to my parents or brother, I'd probably be devastated. I can't even imagine what it would be like.

You're now a member, Zara! Congrats!

Just recently my grandpa got hurt and my mother had had a dream he'd die, so I start freaking out, like "Oh my gosh, he can't die!" And I only said that because my mom is my grandpa's little girl; they're very close. I know that if my grandpa died, my mom would go crazy. If my mom goes crazy, I'm going to have to grow up even more than I've already done. So when he got sick and he kept talking about death, my mom was downstair sobbing so much--and normally she's emotionless--and seeing her that messed up, I started to cry. It was never about my grandpa; I just didn't want to imagine how my life would be if my mom lost him.

Picturing my mom dead (as my father's never been a part of life), is the only thing that can make me cry instantly. I've had bad dreams about that where I couldn't fall back asleep. But, all in all, my mom and siblings are the only people in the world I truly care about and would do anything for. They know that. I mean, to me there isn't a very big difference between family and other people, because I would still do just about anything to save someone who hasn't hurt me or my family, but my family does come first if ever I had to choose.

And my mom's shown the same disapproval your parents have shown when it comes to me disliking my family members, but I don't care. She now understands, because she's opening her eyes to the way they've treated her and continue to treat her. I'm very overprotective when it comes to my mom; sometimes our relationship can be so weird, because it feels like I'm the mother and she's the daughter.

to your cousins! I have plenty of cousins, but I'm not particularly close with them either because of our differences in...everything.

Goldfish wrote:

Kelsey wrote:

I don't know what would happen if I ever got close to someone. It would probably destroy me.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm so very afraid of getting close to someone; I've been hurt way too many times. And mostly by family members, which is why I'm not very close to them. I'm not attached; I don't really care for them. In fact, I prefer my life without them, because they've been very selfish, very greedy and just careless when it's come to our lives and our feelings. I hate holidays because of all this joy and "get together with your family" stuff and that never happens with my family; I don't mind it, but I hate the reminder. Anyway, like I said, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

I definitely agree with you about not being close to family. I immigrated to the USA as a little baby with my parents in 1991. Because most of my family lived in India or Europe, I never really got to see most of them. With the exception of my great-aunt who lives in Boston, I'm not close to anybody excepting my parents and my brother. My parents have clearly expressed disappointment, but they can't blame me. They tried to get me to email my cousins, but we are so...well...different.

What I find particularily hilarious is that my second cousins who are females within 1 or 2 years of my age (there are easily 10 of them--my dad has like 30-odd first cousins and my mother has like 20-odd second cousins) is that they try to behave American, but they epically fail. Obviously, I never told them about the "epically fail" part. But, I mentioned how America isn't about girls wearing short short-skirts, tube tops, speaking in slang, and writing in text talk. In fact, most of them have questioned me about my ability to write in complete sentences with proper punctuation .

But I digress. What I meant to say is that death has been easier for me to overcome because I'm not close to that many people. However, if something were to happen to my parents or brother, I'd probably be devastated. I can't even imagine what it would be like.

Kelsey wrote:

I don't know what would happen if I ever got close to someone. It would probably destroy me.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I'm so very afraid of getting close to someone; I've been hurt way too many times. And mostly by family members, which is why I'm not very close to them. I'm not attached; I don't really care for them. In fact, I prefer my life without them, because they've been very selfish, very greedy and just careless when it's come to our lives and our feelings. I hate holidays because of all this joy and "get together with your family" stuff and that never happens with my family; I don't mind it, but I hate the reminder. I've been called cold by a lot of people because of this, too. Anyway, like I said, I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way.

Kelsey wrote:

However, I will cry my eyes out about a book character. I don't know if this makes me a bad person. Maybe I don't think that crying over something that isn't real makes you weak, while crying over something that is makes you weaker. Maybe it's because I have such a detached relationship with most people I have met, even family (but I do often get somewhat attached to some book characters). Even with those that I am somewhat unattached to, I feel an extreme loss if anything happens to them.
I don't know what would happen if I ever got close to someone. It would probably destroy me.

I'm that way too. I've never truly been close to anyone-- I'm afraid to be, and I just am incapable of doing so (on that same note, the idea of falling in love terrifies me). The closest friendship I've ever had with a person ended VERY badly, and ever since then, I've been even more afraid of letting myself get to know people. I'm very detached from other people. Some people would call that "loneliness", but I don't really mind. The odd thing is, even though I don't connect well with people and don't feel any strong real-life attachments, I'm much more compassionate than a lot of people seem to be. I feel other people's pain easily. Funny how things like that work, isn't it? Maybe that's one reason I like reading so much; it allows me to feel relationships and intimacies I'm otherwise incapable of feeling. I hate looking weak, but I cry quite a bit. I only ever cry over sad movies, sad/uplifting books, and when I see other people in pain, though. You should see me during Titanic or The Phantom Of The Opera-- I blubber like a baby. Maybe that's one reason my friend's reaction upset me so much-- he's one of the few people I really feel comfortable around, even though I've only known him for a few months, and I always cry if I see someone else crying.

If I do ever get close to someone, and they die, it will destroy me. I mean, this recent death has upset me horribly, and I didn't even know the man. I don't even want to imagine what it's going to be like when someone I know and care about dies. It scares me.

When someone close to me dies, and several people close to me have died, I do not cry. I don't know why this is. Maybe because I feel like there's nothing inside of me. Maybe I feel like there is so much inside of me that if I let any of it out, there won't be anything left because it will all spill out. Either way, I try to keep busy and move on. When my great-grandfather died, I must have done laundry for five or so hours. I can't remember if I slept or not, but I went to school the next day. And I didn't tell anyone. Nobody really asked what was wrong and I didn't bring it up. I don't know why, but I don't like to tell people or show any weakness at all. Even at the funeral, I didn't cry.
However, I will cry my eyes out about a book character. I don't know if this makes me a bad person. Maybe I don't think that crying over something that isn't real makes you weak, while crying over something that is makes you weaker. Maybe it's because I have such a detached relationship with most people I have met, even family (but I do often get somewhat attached to some book characters). Even with those that I am somewhat unattached to, I feel an extreme loss if anything happens to them.
I don't know what would happen if I ever got close to someone. It would probably destroy me.

How terrible, Epiphany. I wish I could say something that would help but in the end I know that grief is a very personal and private thing. I'm not going to say that I understand what you're going through or how you're feeling- I can only guess. But I think I speak for everyone in the treehouse when I say that I want you to know that we are here for you anytime you need a friend.

aw guys... that is horrible...I really wish I knew what to say to make you feel better but I don't. All I can really say is that with time, the pain and sadness will begin to fade and that they're in a better place.

And yes, the Utah Chainsaw Massacre is a horrible thing to say. Kids these days are so insensitive.

Oh wow. All of a sudden I have these waves of guilt crashing over me.

A few years ago, I was having an argument with a certain girl, who was insulting "smart" and "nerdy" people. I could have cared less, until she began making personal attacks. What was unfortunate was that this girl was a very intelligent girl who I wasn't close to. Yet, since the beginning of that school year, she had taken a turn for the worse. She became introverted. At first, I wasn't really worried, because many of my friends had become introverted--nothing was wrong with that.

It was the week of school right before the Thankgiving break. On Monday, I was so angry at the personal attacks that I started saying things I now regret. It was the last time I spoke to her. She had committed suicide in her bathroom on Thanksgiving Day, 2004.

When school reopened the next week, I found out what had happened. This girl had been suicidal and depressed from the start, yet somehow I was unaware. Yeah, I probably added fuel to the fire, but many people who knew her very well told me that it wasn't my fault. In fact, they said that apparently she understood what I said. Yet, I still felt like I contributed to her suicide.

Now that it has been 4 years, I don't feel that bad anymore, because I was able to reconcile with what her close friends had told me. In fact 2 years ago, my old high school sponsored a program called NAMES. It's goal was to promote understanding between people of different ages, genders, backgrounds, religions, opinions, etc. That day, I remember watching her close friends go onstage and talk about how people, not me, had called her names, because she was gay. They continuously hurled insults at her until she couldn't take it anymore and she committed suicide. Since I was onstage at the time, I was able to see the varied reactions to the girls' accusations. Some people clearly turned red with shame. Others were silent with shock.

At that moment, I knew that the girl had been contemplating suicide all the time and that I basically had almost no influence over that, because I'd only been angry at her once. After hearing all sorts of awful things, everything I said sounded very tame in comparison. I'd never spewed hatred because she was gay. I'd only talked about how the education system was failing because so many people, like her, thought that being smart was "uncool".

Yet, even though I can logically reason that I had nothing to do with her death, I can't help but feel that I'm guilty in some way.
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Anyways, Epiphany, you should really open up and talk to people. It will make you feel less upset and you can share your feelings with other people. Perhaps a school counselor, or your friends. "Utah Chain Massacre"? How insensitive and rude of those people. Kick their asses for all I care. They deserve it. In fact, you could lash out to shut them up--they'd probably feel ashamed later on. I tell you, guilt is a powerful emotion.

Aw Epiphany, that's terrible.. well let me tell you this....

When I was in my third year secondary, my BEST friend died... she was sick, she suffered from premature aging and one day she didn't show up in school, I tried calling her and then her mum just told me "--name-- died" and hung up.

I was in literal shock, I didn't cry, I didn't even blink.... I just stood there, as if I were paralysed, petrified..... then my mum was calling me, I didn't answer so she went looking for me and found me standing in the doorway-- then when I didn't answer her and continued looking at the floor she slapped me and said "WHAT IS WRONG ARE YOU OKAY?". Then, I broke down and cried, and cried, and cried.... she asked me why I told her --name-- died, and she cried too, I didn't go to school and when I went I couldn't resist crying because she sat next to me in all my classes, jeez I'm crying now.... sorry.

I really do feel for you. I have never had anyone close to me die either, in grade 11, 3 of my fellow classmates died. One was murdered, one was shot in self defense after commiting a robbery and the third died accidently. None of them were close to me or my friends but their deaths still affected me.

There is no right thing to say to someone who has just lost someone dear to them. Just tell them that you care and will be there for them whatever they need. Even if it to just sit together and say absolutely nothing.

I'm sorry for what you are going through.

Perhaps your school counsellor will be of a better help than me.

I've never had someone in my family die. I've never had a friend or neighbor die. My friends have never had anyone significant in their lives die. But yesterday, a friend's (well, maybe "friend" isn't the best word. He sits next to me in one of my classes and we talk, but we aren't hang-out sort of buddies) father was killed in a gruesome chain saw accident in his garage right before third period yesterday (they live across the street from my high school, so we all saw what was going on. There were police officers everywhere who were spraying down the garage, and the house was taped around, it was awful). Other kids from my school have died this year, but I didn't know any of them, so it didn't affect me the way this one has. I didn't know his dad, but I was in shock because I know his son and I can only imagine how hard it is for him to lose a parent. But the thing that really freaks me out is that my good friend, who has lived across the street from the other boy's family since he was born, knows the boy's family really well, so the boy's father was like a second father to him. When my third period class started, there were 7 people missing. It's only a 20 person class, so we all knew something horrible must have happened if so many people were gone. About an hour into class, one of my friends who had been missing came wandering in. He was sobbing uncontrollably and shaking. I think that, more than anything, is what freaked me out, because he's never like that. He's the kind of kid who is always happy and outgoing and never lets anything bring him down-- seeing him so upset scared me. It was haunting; he had this dead look in his eyes that broke my heart. It was like he was a... wounded animal or something. I've never seen him that way. Just looking at him brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I should be comforting him, but I didn't know how. I felt like I should tell him it was all going to be okay, but I knew it wasn't going to be. I didn't know what to do or say-- no one in the class did. I was terrified, so I didn't say anything. Eventually a counselor came in and took him out of class because he was too upset to work, and he went home for the rest of the day. My first class on Monday is with the boy whose father died, and I'm so nervous about going. I'm sure he won't be there-- he probably won't be at school for awhile-- but class is still going to be intense and emotional. And he sits next to me, so when he does come back, it's going to be so... strange.

I had a really rough time with this at school yesterday. I was shaking uncontrollably and felt like I was in a state of shock-- I was so detached from everything going on. I couldn't even stay in the lunchroom because there were so many kids laughing and joking around and I couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle that they could be happy when something so tragic had just happened. I heard kids laughing about it in the hall and calling the accident the "Utah Chainsaw Massacre", and I wanted to kick their insensitive little asses to China (sorry for the vulgarity, but my blood is boiling just thinking about it). Maybe one reason I'm having such a hard time with this is because I've never experienced anything like it before. I didn't even know the man, but seeing the reaction of my friend has struck me to the core. I'm never going to forget it. If I didn't even know him and his death is affecting me this way, how am I going to handle it when someone I know well passes away? How do you comfort a person who has just lost someone they care so much about? I mean, no matter what you do or say, you can't make it better. What can you say? I'm worried sick about my friend and I'm scared to see him again. I feel so sorry for the boy whose father it was. I don't know how to help either of them.